All of the words said out loud for S03E04 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
The Librarian (through megaphone): Hello there! Welcome to the Library of Audio Fiction. Please come in, and I won't have to keep using this. That's...
(Not through megaphone) ...better.
Sorry, I've had a problem this last week with people not being able to find us, so I've had to do a bit of direct outreach.
For some reason, it seems like all of the signs that point to this bit of the Library have vanished, and someone has tippexed us off the map on the lobby's noticeboard. It's been very quiet.
They've also changed the noticeboard's lock, apparently, and not got around to giving me a new key. I've asked the Director three times now, as I've got a number of notices to post, but she keeps saying she's busy. It's very frustrating, as I had just started my new efforts to get a promotion. I'd produced some wonderfully glossy headshots of me, over all sorts of excellent slogans.
Here, look at this one.
"Hope... upper management open brackets nonspecific close brackets get fired, leaving space for career progression of more junior staff."
"Change... the pay structure, giving more of it to me."
"Drive...specifically Tim away from the Library, and give me his biscuit allowance."
All perfectly reasonable, but when I tried sticking them to the noticeboard, they got taken down very quickly.
Anyway, not to be beaten, I've set up my own noticeboard here in my office. As long as people can find their way here, they can read all the notices they want. It does mean less people see them, I think, but I can't be completely sure, because I dropped my tally counter in a tub of clearasil, and it's not worked since.
The new noticeboard looks very official though, it's already got three "shows of the week" on it. There's this show, about a chef sent to work on a miserable island, this show about his and hers detectives, and this show about a demon seducer.
And I've just finished updating the trailer section, so I've got four new shows for you to have a listen to.
First, Kwantum. Inventorpreneur Fenton Kwan revolutionized nuclear energy by combining it with cutting-edge AI in one adorable package: the Kuju. But when Kwan and his company disappear without warning, society is left scrambling to keep the lights on.
In Kwantum, Amateur tinkerer Ying and her loyal Puppycat Kuju, Luna, embark on a quest to repair the Kuju that keeps Ying’s ailing grandmother alive, but end up encountering a much bigger problem than a few busted bots.
[CLIP - Kwantum]
F/X - Groovy jazz music
Friendly Announcer: Welcome to your Gen 2 Puppycat Kuju! This quick-start video will help you boot up your Kuju for the first time, and guide you through the imprinting process that will keep your Kuju by your side until the end of time– or until you upgrade!
First, open the box. It’s okay to cut through that nuclear warning symbol now-- the Kuju is all yours!
Look below your robot’s tail and remove the ejector stopper. Important note: this is not a butt plug. Please do not repurpose the ejector stopper as a butt plug, as it does not use body-safe materials.
Next, plug the ejector output, or butt, with your finger to begin the imprinting process. Is it in there? Good!
Your Kuju’s eyes should now be open and startled. Maintain level eye contact with your Kuju while humming your favourite love ballad. By the time you reach the first chorus –
F/X - Kuju power up sound
-- your Kuju will have linked all of your relevant social, financial, and medical information.
You can now name your Kuju! Remove your finger from the ejector output, or butt, and repeat three times “Your name is [blank]”, inserting the name you have chosen for your Kuju where I said, “[blank]”. Do not say “Blank”. Unless you want your Kuju’s name to be Blank!
(sped up) We cannot process refunds for Kujus named Blank.
(normal speed) You should now hear a brief loud sound described as “mechanical”, “electric”, or “terrifying”. This is a good thing, and means it’s working!
Important note: if you hear a short loud sound described as “robotic”, “shocking”, or “spooky”, exit the room immediately and inform your local authorities.
The final step is the most important. It is crucial to your Kuju’s framework and very consciousness, and performing it incorrectly could disrupt the balance in its delicate programming, and void your Kuju’s warranty-- this includes the extended warranty purchase option.
Are you listening? Here it comes.
Your final step is-- HAVE FUN!
You have now completed your Gen 2 Puppycat Kuju quick-start guide. Now get out there and into the Kuju future!
Kujus: The Power...
F/X - Startup sound
...of Friendship.
(sped up) Kujus are a product of Kwantum Industries. They are held under patent by Fenton Kwan and if any of you jokers try to copy us we’ll crush you with the titanic force of our very fancy expensive legal team and it will be worth every cent they wring from us. Kwantum is not held liable for any property or bodily damage caused by messing around with Kujus. If you’re into that modding stuff that’s cool but we can’t endorse it for liability reasons I’m sure you understand, so you know, go nuts but not too nuts. Have fun, don’t die.
F/X - Kwantum theme musix
Credits Announcer: Kwantum: A New Near-Future Fiction Podcast. Premiering January 26th. Find it on the Sonar Network, or wherever you get your podcasts.
The Librarian: Then, The Dex Legacy. Following the lives of Varian, Isra and Ren Dex, the adopted sons and daughter of Dex Industries founder Nathaniel Dex, The Dex Legacy is a political sci fi audio drama series based on characters from the novel trilogy of the same name by Emily Inkpen. The drama follows events on seed planet SP714 where a corporation, Dex Industries, has grown so large that it has established itself as its own nation.
As well as getting immersed in the political machinations of Dex Island we follow Varian, Isra and Ren who are at the spearhead of the military operation where morally dubious and ethically shady practices have become commonplace, but can they fight back against this tyranny and free themselves from the chains of the family business?
[CLIP - The Dex Legacy]
Auto: - The Dex Legacy - An audio drama by Emily Inkpen
Nathaniel: - Almost 1500 years ago our ancestors landed on this planet with technology we have never been able to replicate...
Ren: - ...we were sent here in giant seed ships, with more data than any one person could ever get through in a lifetime. Ten thousand people and some animals were left with all this knowledge, except the plans for interstellar travel. So they didn't want us going back. Why?
Nathaniel: - Well I expect this planet… had more tricks up its sleeve than they anticipated. ...We have been dragging ourselves forward until now, Tristan. This invention of Osa’s, it surpasses everything they knew!
Osa: - I was told to create the most scientifically advanced weapon the world has ever seen. I did not sell it and I did not detonate it. When Varian, Isra and Ren go into battle and kill a multitude, do you feel responsible?
Devek: - That’s different.
Osa: - And how is that?
Tristan: - It is not Devek’s responsibility.
Osa: - Oh! So this bomb was not mine?
Isra: - Didn’t you hear what I just said? The Rebels are coming, Ren. Get ready.
Varian: - We’ve lost Isra. She’s been taken captive. I don’t have much time. The electrical currents disabled her chip. We can’t track her.
Devek: - You mean to ask me if she’s already dead? I don’t know.
Osa: - We can end their lives at the push of a button no matter where in the world they are, and they know it. A person should not have to live with that threat.
Ren: - Seconds count here, Varian.
Varian: - I know. But losing you as well would make this a very bad day.
Ren: - Have you thought about what they might be doing to her?
Varian: - I’m trying not to. Don’t be stupid here, Ren. Wait.
Tristan: - You think that if Isra escapes the Rebels and chooses to run from us we won’t be able to find her?
Nathaniel: - That is exactly what I’m thinking.
Varian: - Find her, Ren.
Ren: - I will.
Tristan: - So you really think countries will choose to hire Dex military in times of need, rather than maintain their own military power constantly? And you believe you can keep Dex Island neutral?
Nathaniel: - Yes.
Tristan: - How?
Nathaniel: - Because they will fear us. If all goes well, after today, they will all fear us.
The Librarian: And this week's RPG, Crits & Knits, a story that follows a group of retired adventures having to pick back up their weapons and go forth on one final adventure to save their retirement community of Pennycross. A D&D 5e Twitch stream and podcast and also a group of knitters that feature a specific designer each season.
[CLIP - Crits & Knits]
The Narrator: So you've decided to make a new home for yourself and the retirement community of penny cross.
We're very excited to have you join us here in penny cross.
You can enjoy some independence in your golden years, spending time with like-minded seniors, without worrying about those darn kids on your lawn.
We have a wide range of rental properties available and a variety of amenities staffed by locals who are middle.
No need to worry about crying, babies or teenagers with attitude, serving you at the pub.
In addition, there are dozens of clubs, guilds, and activities to keep you feeling young at heart.
Join our long bowling league, the puzzle club or our renowned knitting Guild established by Agna Harper.
Nearly 200 years ago. Our Guild has attracted a wide range of member. We're delighted that you're making penny cross your final home.
Please ignore the ominous smoke coming from the mountain.
It only started a few days ago and I'm sure it will dissipate shortly. Welcome home weary traveler.
The Librarian: And finally, Search. "Where did they go?"
[CLIP - Search]
The Librarian: Right, that's your lot for this week. If you're still struggling to find us in the future, might be easiest to just say hello to our twitter, @AudioDramaDebut.
Anyway, cheerio!