All of the words said out loud for S02E14 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
F/X - In the background, general Library activities happen.
THE LIBRARIAN: Hello? Hello? Hello there! Can you just come into this conference room for a minute please?
F/X - Door slam. Background noise stops.
Excellent, thank you. Please sit down, I'll open the door again when we're finished.
Help yourself to a pastry from the...oh god, what is that strange creature? Is it coming closer? Does it look venomous? Let me just...oh, no. It's a croissant. Never mind. Phew.
Anyway, can you please confirm you are a genuine member of the public? Brilliant, that makes this officially a public enquiry, which solves all sorts of problems.
I did ask a few representatives of the audio fiction press to turn up, but apparently Playsound are on their annual away day, and ActualPlayGirl are covering the local TTRPG convention.
Now, this inquiry has been called to investigate the recent claims of corruption in the Library of Audio Fiction. It has been alleged that certain members of staff have been taking advantage of their close personal connections with members of library staff to get access to some of our valuable resources.
I should clarify I don't mean our dramas, books, stories, actual plays or a few other things, but our supply of premier biscuits.
Every department of the library is entitled to a set ration of biscuits, and it has been claimed that certain Librarians are handing out biscuits beyond the standard ration to some of the logistical staff. In particular, there's been a very serious claim about someone bribing staff members with biscuits to bring them audio shows for private performances for entertainment, or PPE.
I have in my hand a specific record of one interaction between one of the Post Witches, Doris,
DORIS, THE POST WITCH: (Excited) Post!
THE LIBRARIAN: Yes, that's you. And one of our Librarians, in which Doris was provided with a chocolate digestive in return for collecting three shows. There was this show about a philosophy student who turned to mail delivery, this show about someone making podcasts after the world ends, and this show about conscripted letter deliverers.
This is corruption of the highest order.
DORIS, THE POST WITCH: (Confused) Post?
THE LIBRARIAN: No, don't try and talk your way out of it, you've let the Library down, you've let yourself down, but most importantly, you've let me down.
DORIS, THE POST WITCH: (Sad) Post.
THE LIBRARIAN: Yes, I should think you're sorry. As punishment, you're not allowed any biscuits for the next week.
DORIS, THE POST WITCH: (Very sad) Post.
THE LIBRARIAN: This concludes this investigation into corruption, and no further discussion on the matter is required.
Now, since you're here, have you brought anything for me and this member of our public committee?
DORIS, THE POST WITCH: (Happyish) Post?
THE LIBRARIAN: Excellent, a collection of trailers, well done. Leave them here, and go and sit in the corner and think about what you've done.
DORIS, THE POST WITCH: (Sad again) Post.
F/X - Sad crying begins.
THE LIBRARIAN: Now, let's see what we've got here. First, Starcrossed. The year is 2317. From their headquarters on the Moon, The Interstellar Criminal Investigation Agency keeps the peace. Or at least they try to. But Space Pirates have other ideas in mind. Two women find themselves on the opposite side of the law but the same side of love.
[Clip - Starcrossed]
THE LIBRARIAN: Then, The Elmwood Strain. A traumatized woman reluctantly returns to her dying hometown to find the stoner friends she abandoned are hooked on a strange new drug—with bizarre, seemingly supernatural qualities.
[Clip - The Elmwood Strain]
THE LIBRARIAN: And this week's RPG, JK, We're Rolling. It's time to enter a world of fantasy, wonder, and mystery as three students attend the most prestigious wizarding school in all of Germany! Three German improv actors will attempt to survive the gauntlet created by one American game master. While the cast explores the obstacles and rewards of being multicultural, their characters will have to explore obstacles and find rewards of their own.
Listen as they have to delve deep into the world at Neudrachenberg Castle to uncover secrets, defeat every variety of magical threat, and manage a passing grade. This original world takes place in an all-new game system specifically designed to mirror magical societies from other popular media.
[Clip - JK, We're Rolling!]
THE LIBRARIAN: And finally, Life with Leo(h). A sci-fi(ish) romantic comedy podcast starring a repressed lawyer, a criminal client, a pesky sister and her fiance, an infuriatingly sexy coworker, and an android in the mood for love. Jeanine Bell is a robotics intelligence lawyer whose laser focus on her career has come at the expense of her romantic and social lives.
After successfully keeping AI genius Penelope Lane out of prison, Jeanine receives the gift of LEO(h), an android with Synthetic Sentience. LEO(h) is Loving, Empathetic, Optimistic, and (only sorta) helpful. He's programmed to love Jeanine. He’s also very, very illegal.
[Clip - Life With LEO(h)]
THE LIBRARIAN: Right, that's your lot for this week. Hope those were interesting, and if you find out about any other possible corruption, please let us know via our twitter account. It's @AudioDramaDebut.
F/X - Door slam.
Right, they've gone. Come here. There you go, have a biscuit.
DORIS, THE POST WITCH: (Happy) Post!