All of the words I said out loud for S02E08 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
F/X - Fountain pen writing, and then being capped. Fire gently crackles in the background.
THE LIBRARIAN: Hello there. Move those brochures off the chair and sit down. Help yourself to a custard cream.
The brochures? Oh, travel catalogues. I had a look at the calendar the other day, and with one thing and another, it's been quite some time since my last holiday. I thought I might plan a trip away now that the Director is authorising leave requests again.
I mean, the Library of Audio Fiction is very nice, and all of the dramas, books, stories, actual plays and a few other things keep me entertained, but sometimes it's fun to listen to shows in other parts of the world, you know?
So I've been listening to bits of sonic ambience recorded in possible travel destinations, to see if any of them speak to me in a way that tells me I want to go there.
I've listened to this show about being on a island with lots of mysterious heads, this show about people exploring an island that hasn't been visited before, and this show about a road trip that has certain rules to follow.
But honestly, I'm struggling a bit to find somewhere I want to visit.
I mean, there's Transylvania, which sounds great...
F/X - Wolf howls and angry mob noises, with the occasional yell of "burn him!" over Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor (basically the Dracula theme music).
...obviously they're dog friendly, which is great for Mr. Fidget, and they've got some great local music and architecture. And it's obviously got a lot of...tourist...trade?
Or then there's this lovely Cabin in the Woods...
F/X - A man pants as he runs through the woods, wind howling behind him, with the occasional menacing laugh.
...which obviously has good athletic facilities, outdoor nature walks and presumably excellent views.
Or finally I've been looking at this theme park, because I think they're currently very quiet, and this way I can skip the long queues...
F/X - A rollercoaster climbs to the peak of it's height, before plummeting down into a meat grinder, as people scream "no!" with a creepy clown laugh in the background.
...and I think everyone there sounds like they're having fun.
Annoyingly, I found one that was near perfect - very peaceful, very little foot traffic, no distractions to my listening...
F/X - Literally sounds recorded on Mars - it's a shame the quality is terrible.
...and then I discovered that it was on Mars. Quite a lot of money to get there apparently, and I don't think I'd get the required time off. Most frustrating.
For now, I suppose I'll have to just sit here and enjoy these trailers instead - see if they can give me any hints of anywhere interesting to go to.
Oh, you want to stay and listen to them? Go on then.
First, Murray Mysteries, which is a gothic-comedy audio retelling of Bram Stoker's Dracula.
[CLIP - Murray Mysteries]
THE LIBRARIAN: Then Dirty Detectives, a scripted, investigative (not-so) true crime podcast. On a cold spring evening, Lincoln Bracegirdle’s “girlfriend” and love of his life Abigail was kidnapped. Join “filmmakers” Alex and Peter as they try to solve the case, re-unite the lovers and seek fame and fortune as podcasters.
[CLIP - Dirty Detectives]
THE LIBRARIAN: And this week's RPG is War and Piece, following cyberpunk bounty hunters.
[CLIP - War and Piece]
THE LIBRARIAN: And finally, The Candyman.
[CLIP - The Candyman]
THE LIBRARIAN: Right, that's your lot for this week. I'll keep looking, to see if anywhere suitable is out there. I've heard good things about Barnard Castle recently. If you happen to have holiday suggestions, please feel free to tell our twitter account. It's @AudioDramaDebut.