All of the words I said out loud for S02E06 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
F/X - Fountain pen writing, and then being capped. Fire gently crackles in the background.
THE DIRECTOR: You there! Stop lurking by the door and sit down.
Now, take this coffee. It may have a shot of something strong in it, so no driving home.
Don't worry, you're going to need it.
Congratulations, you have the good fortune to have found your way to the office of the Acquisitions Librarian while he happens not to be in it.
While he does ensure that the Library of Audio Drama is kept well-stocked with new dramas, books, stories, actual plays and a few other things, he is mostly incompetent at well...everything else.
GHOSTLY VOICE FROM INSIDE THE WALLS: Wooooo!
THE DIRECTOR: Ignore that, it's been happening for a while.
For example, today is Valentine's Day, and so we get a lot of visitors looking for romantic shows. Look at this pile on the desk that he's utterly failed to deal with - this appears to be a show about love between humans and monsters, a show about the difficulties of starting an adult video career, and a show about a relationship where the woman is in charge.
EXCITED VOICE FROM INSIDE THE WALLS: Woohoo!
THE DIRECTOR: Keep ignoring that.
And even with all this preparation, the Librarian has vanished off to god knows where, unable to give these shows to our visitors, requiring me to step in and look after his office. I have better things to do than this.
In particular, I want to go and hunt down the escaped...
ALARMING VOICE FROM INSIDE THE WALLS, IMITATING A SIREN: Woo-ooo-ooo.
THE DIRECTOR: Okay, enough is enough! Where is that blasted... ah ha, there it is!
F/X - Metallic clanging
You! Get out of there this instant.
THE LIBRARIAN: Yep, yep, hang on, let me just, ah, oh god, that's tight, ow, ow...oh! Hello there! Welcome to the Library of Audio Fiction!
THE DIRECTOR: No, I've done that. Just tell me what you were doing in the vents making stupid noises.
THE LIBRARIAN: Well it's Valentine's Day.
THE DIRECTOR: And?
THE LIBRARIAN: My calendar says its the day that you try and woo someone important to you. As the person in charge of the Library, I don't think I know anyone more important.
THE DIRECTOR: General angry noises.
That. Is. Not. What. It. Means.
You useless, incompetent, lazy, failure of a human!
THE LIBRARIAN: Oh, I get it! It means the important person gets to be as wooed as they like! Well done! That was very wooed.
THE DIRECTOR: Get out! Go... go...re-order the biscuit tin. Even you can't mess that up.
THE LIBRARIAN: Righto!
Don't worry about the Director, she's very nice really. And I've left some trailers on my desk she can tell you about. Anyway, cheerio!
F/X - Footsteps leaving and door closing.
THE DIRECTOR: Oh for. I swear, if he weren't the only person who could file the monster shows correctly under fiction, he'd be straight down to HR.
Right, right. Okay then. Trailers. Here they are, four of them. You have a listen, while I have more of... this, with a shot of coffee in it.
First, Admit It. The greatest true crime journalists had to start somewhere... At the entirely unremarkable Oakbridge High School, a spunky reporter named Olive Martel is assigned to interview a Harvard-bound student who no one seems to know, only to uncover a grander mystery that turns her life upside down. Listen closely, there’s a lot to cover.
[CLIP - Admit It]
THE DIRECTOR: Then, One from the Vaults, which is an exploration into the lost horror films of Anvil Studios with your hosts Warren, Rufus and Clint.
[CLIP - One from the Vaults]
THE DIRECTOR: And Channel Stupidity, in which four stupid adventurers and their dumb DM explore a world of fantasy humanoids, spider queens, ice, hot chip, and try not to completely fuck up along the way.
[CLIP - Channel Stupidity]
THE DIRECTOR: And finally, The Night Post. In Gilt City, conscripted couriers are both respected and shunned. They inhabit the borderlands between a growing industrial society and the untamed arcane frontier that surrounds it. The Night Post is a weekly supernatural fiction podcast about survival, tradition, and the vast unknown.
[CLIP - The Night Post]
And that's that. No more I'm afraid, as I desperately need to hunt down the Librarian and prevent him from attempting that with anyone less tolerant than myself.
If you happen to see him, please do alert our social media team. They're @AudioDramaDebut.