All of the words I said out loud for S02E05 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
F/X - Fountain pen writing, and then being capped. Fire gently crackles in the background.
THE LIBRARIAN: Hello there! Come in, come in. Oh, oh, one moment, just...(wait a minute don't come in yet).
F/X - The crackle of an electrified door handle.
Sorry about that. I watched a film last night about home invasion, and to be honest, it got me a bit worried. Had terrible nightmares about strange creatures sneaking round the Library. Bit silly, but it scared me. The thought of them stealing our dramas, books, stories, actual plays or a few other things. It'd be horrible.
So I got up in the middle of the night to start planning a bit of security. Unfortunately, having been a bit sleep-deprived, I don't actually remember what I set up. The electrified door handle was definitely the last one in this office though, so you should be safe. Come sit down.
F/X - Footsteps, walking closer (nearly) into a bear trap.
Huh, I don't know even know where I got a bear trap. Lucky that missed. Here, take the weight off the feet that you still thankfully have.
Don't worry, I've had to remove the old chair again, so that's a bog standard office one.
F/X - Wooden clattering.
That apparently I sawed through the legs of.
You know what? Maybe you should just stand there. That bit of floor seems safe.
Cup of tea to calm the nerves?
F/X - Drinking followed rapidly by frantic spitting.
Ah, I might have put salt in the sugar pot, as a final line of defence.
I must say, at this point, this all seems a bit complicated. Perhaps when I'm half asleep I don't like the simple solution. I mean, this button on my desk? Next to the one that stops the tape player? Pretty sure that releases a couple of paint cans that swing down to clobber anyone daft enough to try and get on this side of the desk.
I wish I could have had something that was simple and safe. Unfortunately, I don't think that exists.
Though it would definitely have been easier to just use that gun hanging above the fireplace. Oh, don't panic, it's not pointed anywhere near you.
Anyway, perhaps best get you in and out as quickly as possible. Maybe take this show about someone trapped on a desert island with a phone? Or this show about the troubles of a new food delivery app? Or this one about Star Wars fans in love?
You want to get out even quicker than that, do you? Fair enough. In that case, best to just stick to trailers. Think I've got four handy, and the tape player is far too important for me to booby trap.
First, it's Where the Stars Fell. Dr. Edison Tucker is having a very weird life. Not being able to die tends to color things that way. Luckily, the strange and unusual is something of her speciality, and Ed’s set her sights and wunderkind grant money on the strangest town in America: Jerusalem, Oregon. She’ll certainly get her EMF Meter’s worth. Between an eccentric housemate, quirky townsfolk, and the mysteries lurking just beyond the tree line, Ed’s going to find the answers she’s been searching for. She just might not be ready for what finds her.
[CLIP - Where the Stars Fell]
THE LIBRARIAN: Then, In Transit. Aboard the spaceship Eurus, things are optimal. Oxygen supplies are at 80%, crops are thriving, and the twelve-year journey through the Messier 42 nebula is going smoothly. Everything is set for a successful pilgrimage to continue the survival of the human race.
Only, when a series of murders occur onboard - mirroring distressing radio signals from Eurus’ sister ship, Notus, Officer Alecto McAlpine finds herself lost in the middle of a conspiracy. With the begrudging help of low-level communications coordinator Cairo, they begin to find that the ship’s journey is the least of their concerns.
[CLIP - In Transit]
THE LIBRARIAN: Then Lisa Upside Down, which is a semi-autobiographical comedy about Lisa's failing marriage, her aging, oversexed-over-involved parents, and her teenage son who finds her very annoying. We follow Lisa as she uses her friends, the kindness of strangers, and a little weed to find her way in her brand new reality.
[CLIP - Lisa Upside Down]
THE LIBRARIAN: And finally, With Love, Victoria is a musical podcast that brings to life the diaries of Queen Victoria and explores what was erased by her daughter, Princess Beatrice. Of 141 volumes the Queen wrote in her lifetime, Princess Beatrice left only 111 after she had edited her late mother’s diaries. This serialized podcast dramatizes what once was and what may have been erased from history.
[CLIP - With Love, Victoria]
F/X - The gentle whir of an ongoing tape player, which only stops after multiple button presses.
THE LIBRARIAN: Huh...hmm.
And that's that. Be careful on your way out, but if you've got better ideas for defence, feel free to tell us on our twitter. It's @AudioDramaDebut.
F/X - Low whoosh as something approaches.
F/X - The Librarian is bonked.