All of the words I said out loud for S02E04 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
F/X - Fountain pen writing, and then being capped. Fire gently crackles in the background.
THE LIBRARIAN: Hello there.
Please, come in. Here, let me take your coat and hang it up. Oh, also your hat, can't forget that.
Would you like to sit down? I've got the comfy chair out, so take a seat. This is the best chair in the whole Library, trust me. You'll have a very difficult time getting out of it.
Sorry, did that sound sinister? I really didn't mean it to. It's just a really nice chair.
Please sit down. I want you to be comfortable.
Excellent, there you go.
Now, can I get you anything else? Maybe a lovely cup of coffee? An extra cushion? Perhaps you need something to put your feet up on? I'm happy to oblige.
Honestly, anything I can do to make your stay here more enjoyable is fine by me. I suppose since you've come to the Library of Audio Fiction, I could regale you with dramas, books, stories, actual plays and a few other things?
Maybe this collection of standalone shorts about a medieval fantasy world? Or this show about a king who wants to murder a season? Or perhaps this one about an archer for hire?
Why am I trying so hard to please you?
Alright, fine, I'll tell you. In about two hours, it's the monthly meeting to discuss our marketing strategy. It was my turn to acquire the biscuits. I couldn't get to the canteen this week to buy some, so I asked Tim - the head of the Library of Audio Non-Fiction, to get some for me, and he did.
Unfortunately, and honestly, I think he did this deliberately, he bought pink wafers. Tim knows how much I like pink wafers. Come Thursday, there wasn't the smidgen of a crumb left.
Not to worry, I thought, plenty of time left to get some biscuits myself.
Except, when I went down to the canteen, they'd gone. Tim had bought the entire lot. All of them! And of course, when I asked him whether he might, just so happen to have a spare pack that could be purchased, he tried to charge me ten times what the canteen charge. Ten times! He's a monster.
Which is how I got here, desperately asking anyone who comes in whether they happen to have any spare biscuits. I'll take anything. Even Rich Tea. Please?
No, I didn't think so. I don't think anyone could walk around with a packet of biscuits and not eat them.
Fine then, what do you want? Trailers? Yep, thought so. Plenty of those to go around. Shame I can't eat them. Let's see what we've got then.
First, The Paracelsus Effect is a gothic inspired urban fantasy audio drama about redemption, magic, queerness, and saving the world.
[CLIP - The Paracelsus Effect]
THE LIBRARIAN: Then, Canadian Play Thing which is a playwright-centered virtual theatre featuring the work of artists from coast to coast to coast working to connect our theatre family across the country.
[CLIP - The Canadian Play Thing (A Way Out trailer)]
THE LIBRARIAN: Then this week's RPG, the world's hottest new D&D podcast! (Please don't fact check this). Listen as a rag-tag bunch of dragon-blooded orphans tries to overcome the Dungeon of the Mad Mage!
[CLIP - Dungeon Delving Delinquents]
THE LIBRARIAN: And finally, Madison On The Air. What happens when old time radio dramas clash with a modern day 20-something? No technology, no Starbucks, and no one is PC! Will Madison survive? Follow along as she teams up with radio icons like Sergeant Joe Friday, Marshal Matt Dillon and Superman. Original radio scripts adapted lovingly to give a funny and modern look at the way things were and the way things are today.
[CLIP - Madison On The Air]
THE LIBRARIAN: Right, that's your lot for this week. Please, if you happen to find any biscuits in the next two hours, tell our Twitter feed. I t's @AudioDramaDebut.