All of the words I said out loud for S01E44 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
MUSIC - Night on Bald Mountain plays in the background.
THE LIBRARIAN: Ah, hello there, sinner. Get your worthless hide in here, and take a seat on the punishment throne. Don't mind the damp, I've just dredged it out of the pond.
Ignore the chains, I'm sure they won't be necessary.
Here, can I tempt you to some devil's food cake? It will only cost you... your soul!
Don't worry, it's fine, there was just a memo about us performing our function this week in the role of satan, so I've pulled the old red suit out of the wardrobe, dug out the pointy beard and been practising my mwahahahaha.
We've still got all the usual dramas, books, stories, actual plays and a few other things, they're just a bit more hell-themed this week.
For example, there's this show about a man who's terrorised by three spooky monsters until he changes his ways, this one about someone undergoing a hideous transformation overnight, taking him away from normality, and this show about the reliance of the poor on the largesse of the rich.
F/X - Muffled singing can be heard from outside.
Now I suppose you're here for... what the devil is that?
F/X - Cassette player button, as the music is switched off. Footsteps walk away, to a door, which is opened.
MUSIC - The Twelve Days of Christmas
CAROL SINGERS: Ten joke narrators,
Nine AIs plotting,
Eight tape recorders,
Seven space disasters,
Six meals in boxes,
Fiiiiive queeeeeer leeeeeeads,
Four spooky towns,
Three nat ones,
Two cryptid hunts,
And a podcast RSS feed.
F/X - The door closed, and footsteps shamefully returning.
THE LIBRARIAN: It seems I've made a tiny error. Ho. Ho. Ho.
F/X - A new tape is played.
MUSIC - Carol of the Bells.
Tell you what, let's just forget the selling your soul bit, and how about you tell me what you want? I'm afraid I can't let you sit on my knee, I don't think that would be very appropriate, but have you been evil, um good this year?
You have? Excellent. Well then, what can Satan give you? Trailers, eh? Well luckily, I've got four here just waiting. Let's see.
First, it's Wonderful - The Battle Behind The Classic Holiday Movie: "It's A Wonderful Life". A historical fiction, anthology podcast series.
[CLIP - Beyond the Story - Wonderful]
THE LIBRARIAN: Then, Young Santa Claus and the Winter Solstice, a 4-part audio play fantasy adventure for families about the the adventures of young Kris Kringle, who would grow up to be the beloved symbol of Christmas...Santa Claus.
[CLIP - Young Santa Claus and the Winter Solstice]
THE LIBRARIAN: Then, Nicked. Since childhood, Nicoletta Nowell and Sarah Locke were inseparable. But the start of eighth grade marked Nicoletta’s sudden transformation from best friend to relentless bully with seemingly no cause. Come December, Sarah is resigned to the new state of affairs until she is swept up in a plot to straighten her bully out by Colzsákos—a Christmas faerie of the Holly Court, specializing in reforming naughty children. It seems like a dream come true, but is Col as ‘good’ as he seems, and can his reformation methods be trusted? A little Mean Girls, a little A Christmas Carol, and a little Labyrinth, Nicked is a holiday faerie tale about good kids, bad kids, and best friendship gone cold.
[CLIP - Nicked]
THE LIBRARIAN: And finally, Christmas Steve. When young doctor, Izzy Casey, returns home to snowy Wisconsin for the Holidays, she falls head over heels for a hunky local shopkeeper. In the tone of Hallmark Christmas movies, this limited series scripted podcast is a stocking stuffed to the brim with romance, comedy, and embarrassing family members. It's comfort food for your ears this Holiday season.
[CLIP - Christmas Steve]
THE LIBRARIAN: Right, that's your lot for this week. Be careful on your way out, I didn't put safety tape around the flaming torches. And don't forget to tell our library's twitter what else you might want this year. It's @AudioDramaDebut.
Anyway, cheeri-ho!