All of the words I said out loud for S01E36 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
F/X - Fire gently crackles in the background. Metallic thumps of someone climbing down a fire escape, followed by an opening window.
THE LIBRARIAN: Hello there! Here, give me a hand will you, and pull me through. Lovely, thanks.
F/X - Window closing.
Sorry that you had to come in through such unconventional means today, but there are so many rooms off limits.
Ah, no, we've not put up any signs explaining it, mostly because it's a bit embarrassing. See, a memo came around last week that Friday was going to be the last day that any alcohol was allowed in the Library.
Oh yes, bit of a long running tradition really. I think it might have started because one of the Library's founders had an academic interest in being drunk.
Anyway, when we all found out about that, we had something of a spring clean, and we determined that the most ecologically friendly way to get rid of the alcohol was a biological processing method.
I came up with this absolutely wizard cocktail named the Konbayashi Mari. It brought everybody a lot of joy.
Plus we had some fun listening parties, particularly this one about a murder mystery at a dinner party, this one about a bunch of people locking themselves in a house together to avoid a disease and this one about a haunted house.
Unfortunately, some of the more rambunctious of my colleagues got slightly out of hand and knocked over a few crates of pale lager, and then decided to try and clean it up with wedges of citrus fruit.
At least, that was their excuse. I suspect they were mostly trying just to show off the automatic wedging device they had got engineering to build.
So the end result was that certain doorways, rooms, alcoves, corridors and a few other places have become utterly sticky no-go areas.
And since my job requires me to go to different parts of the library, I've been working out a geography of accessible routes, one of which is the fire escape.
Still, that's actually been quite useful, as I rather heavily indulged at a wedding yesterday, and I've got a few calories to burn off. Here, take a slice of the cake. I managed to get a piece from all three tiers in the ruckus as we were kicked out, so there's plenty spare. It did end somewhat badly, but I hear the couple were fine. Fined? Fine. I'm sure it was fine.
Anyway, that's enough of my troubles. You've gone to all the effort to get into here, so should probably let you listen to those trailers you wanted.
First up, it's Absolutely No Adventures, a fantasy (un)adventure podcast that follows Sig, the owner of the Signature Eats bakery, as he aggressively avoids becoming embroiled in any daring quests or chosen one shenanigans even though the universe really seems to want him to do just that. Follow Sig as he chills with his friends and stays far, far away from the slightest whiff of adventure. And bakes. He also bakes.
[CLIP - Absolutely No Adventures]
THE LIBRARIAN: Then Lem N Ginge, in which two down-and-out actresses are on the hunt for some stage work. Failing that, they’ll take up a lucrative quest to find the local princess’ stolen voice. In this chaotic tale, Lem N Ginge encounter queer frogs, woke baes, and their first actual deadline.
[CLIP - Lem 'N' Ginge: The Princess of Kakos]
THE LIBRARIAN: Then Seeds, by No Stone Theatre, is a bold new podcast series inspired by the incredible true story of the world’s first seed bank.
[CLIP - Seeds]
THE LIBRARIAN: And finally, broadcast live from the Towering Forest in the magical world of Grevelon, Dear Liisphyra is an advice radio show hosted by Liisphyra Lyndambar, where she gives advice to fantastical creatures with even more fantastical problems!
[CLIP - Dear Liisphyra]
THE LIBRARIAN: Right, that's your lot for this week. Look out for that sticky spot on your way out - erm, don't tell the Director, but I managed to rescue some of the port, and then it fell over. I fell over. So if you want updates on when the Library's clean, try our twitter feed. It's @AudioDramaDebut.