All of the words I said out loud for S01E32 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
THE SECURITY SYSTEM ROBOT: Activating out of office message.
F/X - Phone dialing noises.
F/X - Phone ringing noises.
F/X - The relaxing sounds of the ocean. I mean, relaxing unless you're stuck in it, miles from land.
THE LIBRARIAN: Glub glub glub. Hello there? Hello there? Oh thank pod! I've been trying to get a signal for...oh, oh you're not the RNLI. Sorry, sorry, only my banana boat got destroyed by an absolutely enormous wave, and I've been treading water for...I don't know how long. I'm somewhere off the coast of...
What? You're calling from where? The Library? Great, that's just great. Wait, wait, that is great. They're my emergency contact. This is definitely an emergency. Can you look around, to see if you can see anyone who looks official? They might be wearing a lanyard, or be ticking, or maybe just look very cross? I mean, I assume the Director's always very cross. I've certainly never been in a room with her when she hasn't been angry.
Empty? I suppose it is Sunday.
Alright, listen. Look under my desk. On the side with the chair. Feel around. There should be a button. Give it a really good press.
Anything? Any sound, light, flashing alarm? No? Damn. Obviously they've not wired it back in then.
In that case, it's going to have to be the old fashioned route. Grab a bit of paper off my desk, and write down "A L lost at sea. Last known location The Red Arrow Hotel. Please inform cataloguers, code DD 910-452. Late fees owed."
Then you see the table at the back of the office? The one with the angel cake on it? Oh, feel free to, feel free to help yourself by the way - roll the paper up and put it in one of the brass canisters. Just pop that into the tube labelled 'Sorting', close the door and open the valve.
And now we wait. I'll just swim here, trying to avoid these piranhas, sharks, blowfish, jelly fish and a few other things. Luckily, my Walkman is waterproof, so I've got some shows to keep me entertained.
I've got a show about a woman trapped on an alien world where big waves are a problem, sort of sympathise, a show about four women in a submarine investigating sea monsters, and a show about a hidden city in the depths of the pacific ocean.
What's that? On a trailer? No, no, I didn't bring the boat out here myself, it's a rental. Though I suspect by the law of the sea, if you sink it, you buy it.
What? Oh, trailers. You really think I don't have anything better to do right now? I mean, you're right, I'm pretty much stuck here, but it feels rude. Fine fine , luckily, I've also got a stack of waterproof post-its here with some notes, and I can hold my Walkman up to the phone.
First up, self-described legendary science fiction author T.L.Dawnstar reads, records, and presents The Karl Darkcruzer Saga audiobookcast with an all-star cast of not-actors. Accused of a crime he didn’t commit; infamous space pirate Karl Darkcruzer must embark on a galaxy-spanning quest for the mythical Universe Cone. Accompanied by fast-talking, take-no-prisoners reporter Felicity Phobos, Darkcruzer must delve face-first into a rich-woven universe where friends become enemies and enemies became acquaintances.
[CLIP - The Karl Darkcruzer Saga]
THE LIBRARIAN: Then, In Astra: A Sci-Fi Mystery. Brainwashing. Mystery. Space. Queer identity.
[CLIP - In Astra: A Sci-Fi Mystery.]
THE LIBRARIAN: And then The Spooky Sapphic Storyteller, a hybrid personal narrative/audio drama podcast exploring LGBTQ experiences and the paranormal.
[CLIP - The Spooky Sapphic Storyteller]
THE LIBRARIAN: And finally, West Coast Option, a psychedelic football story presented by Third Eye Sockeye. Week to week we follow the Athens Beach Seafarers as they run their west coast-option offense through the gauntlet of alien abductions, satanic summonings, and crypto cryptids that is community college football.
[CLIP - West Coast Option]
THE LIBRARIAN: Right, that's your lot for this week. I definitely need to conserve this battery life, and I'm slightly worried by what looks like another massive wave heading my way. Do me a favour, and see if you can get a viral social media campaign started for me. It's the only way I'll get a refund on this banana boat. Don't forget to tag me in @AudioDramaDebut.
F/X - Phone hanging up and a series of beeps.