The Cambridge Geek

Audio Drama Debut - Transcript - S01E31

All of the words I said out loud for S01E31 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.

THE SECURITY SYSTEM ROBOT: Visitor detected. Engaging visitor protocols.

Welcome to the office of the Acquisitions Librarian.

Please sit down.

Please sit down.

(Menacingly) Sit. Down.

Thank you.

Assessing visitor condition. Visitor requires hydration.

Engaging nice spot of tea subroutine.

Would you like a hot beverage?

F/X - Tea being poured.

Please drink cup of kangra tea.

(Stilted) Please drink. Cup. Of. Kangra tea.

Assessing visitor condition. Visitor is correctly positioned and hydrated.

Please select between books, dramas, stories, actual plays and a few other things.

Intiating random show algorithm.

Show featuring victorian detective and journalist solving silly crime.

F/X - Negative-sounding beep.

Show about person maintaining Antartic base.

F/X - Negative-sounding beep.

Show about colonists settling on Mars.

F/X - Negative-sounding beep.

Options depleted. Selecting backup protocol.

Activating out of office message.

F/X - Phone dialing sounds

F/X - Sounds of the sea and seagulls distorted due to phone line.

THE LIBRARIAN: Hello there. I'm afraid I'm out of office until the 20th of September, and will not be checking correspondence until that time.

If your enquiry is non-urgent, please feel free to wait until I get back.

If your enquiry is urgent, you may wish to attempt to speak to the library director. If you succeed, please, tell me how you did it.

In the interim, the security system has been programmed to deal with unexpected visitors.

To donate a new show to the library, please press one.

To report a complaint, please press...

F/X - Glitched speech.

THE LIBRARIAN: To update a show's information, please press - oh yes, that's me, the port and lemon, lovely, thanks - five.

To listen to a selection of new trailers, please press four.

F/X - Old UK touch tone.

THE LIBRARIAN: Oh, you found that button did you? Nosy devil. Well luckily I prepared for that, so here's four new show trailers.

First, in Hardboiled, meet radio's hottest new detective - Jack Cassidy, PI! She may be a dame, but she's as tough and hard-bitten as the best in the biz. In thrilling weekly instalments, you can follow Jack's adventures as she matches wits with gangsters and grifters, bootleggers and bolsheviks, fascists and femme fatales. Welcome to the mean streets of Edmonton, 1936. The prairies will never be quite the same...

[CLIP - Hardboiled]

THE LIBRARIAN: Then Lovecraft meets Kafka in The Milkman of St. Gaff's, a fantasy/horror podcast about Howie, a troubled young man who joins the milkmen on the island of St. Gaff’s, only to discover that the milkmen harbor a dark and dangerous secret.

[CLIP - The Milkman of St. Gaff's]

THE LIBRARIAN: Then Da Silva Linings Ghostbook.

[CLIP - Da Silva Linings Ghostbook]

THE LIBRARIAN: And finally, the Space Mantis Show. A fan hears a knock on her door and realizes she's been given a box of secret DVDs. Why did she get unreleased episodes of a canceled space opera show, and what's going on in space? She'll have to watch the DVDs to find out. The show, Space Mantis, follows a team of intergalactic efficiency experts combing the stars looking to bring order to the chaos of the universe! Though, what's the deal with space, anyway?

[CLIP - Space Mantis Show Podcast]

THE LIBRARIAN: And that's that. Please show yourself to the door, the security system tends to be a bit overly keen on speed. Also, please note that the system is only set up for a single visit in remote access mode, so if you need the library's services before I'm back, please only contact our twitter account. It's @AudioDramaDebut.

Anyway, cheerio!

F/X - Phone hanging up and a series of beeps.