All of the words I said out loud for S01E25 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
F/X - Fountain pen writing, and then being capped. Fire gently crackles in the background.
THE LIBRARIAN: (Muffled, as through gag.) Mmhmm mmm! Mmhmm mmhmm. Mmm mm mmm...
THE DIRECTOR: Right, that's enough out of you. Go sit down.
F/X - The Librarian walking sadly away, his chains clinking gently.
Now then, who are you, and what do you want? You had an appointment? Oh good lord, you're another one of these people he's sneaking trailers to aren't you? Well, aren't you?
Very irritating. I honestly don't know why I haven't fired him yet.
THE LIBRARIAN: Mmm mm mmhmm! Mmm mmhhm mm mmm mmhmm mmhmmhmmhmmmm mmhmmhmmh mm mmm. Mm mmhm mmmhmmm (you get the gist).
THE DIRECTOR: Go on.
THE LIBRARIAN: Mm mm mmh mm mmhhmmm mmmmhhm mm.
THE DIRECTOR: Oh yes, I suppose that is why.
Anyway, you're wondering why the Acquisitions Librarian isn't manning his post today, hmm? Here, have a cup of this costa rican blend while I explain.
Well the idiot has been attempting to use our social media account to find new programmes, and he might have started following the wrong people. He's spent the last three days dunking all of the headphones in bleach, not the wisest thing to do with electronics. And you might have noticed that the chair you're in is getting uncomfortably warm - he installed 200W bulbs in his office. We honestly don't know where he got them from or how he got them up there. Finally, please don't ask any questions about the array of mini torches. That is not a detail I want to repeat.
Regardless, after we spotted him trying to drag a large bucket in here, presumably to start scrubbing down visitors, enough was enough and we decided to give him a bit of time to calm down before we let him in front of people again.
THE LIBRARIAN: Mmm mm mhhm!
THE DIRECTOR: What's that Librarian? You think you can be trusted to tell this visitor about some shows? Go on then.
THE LIBRARIAN: Mmmhn mmhm mm mm.
THE DIRECTOR: So that's a show about an alien influence that changes how people think and can be transferred through sight, a show about a boy visiting his dad's bio-warfare facility during an outbreak and a show about romantic relationships between the children of survivors of some sort of...illness?
I'm beginning to see a trend here. Go back to your corner. Go on, get!
And leave that gin and tonic here. I don't care if you think you've got malaria.
THE LIBRARIAN: (Sadly) Mm.
THE DIRECTOR: Well, as this fool is unable to fulfill the commitments he's created for himself, the more competent of us will have to step in and sort things out. To that end, there's four trailers cued up for people of your sort who wander in off the street seeking entertainment and excitement.
The first is Para.docx, a supernatural podcast following the work of NCRD’s filing staff as they handle reports from all across America — assuming the reports themselves behave.
[CLIP - Para.docx]
Then Beyond the Dark, which tells atmospheric sci-fi stories. Each episode is a new world to explore. You might find yourself in the heart of a cyberpunk metropolis, a post-apocalyptic wasteland, or a strange alien world. Every story has its own professional cast, an original score and accompanying sound effects for a truly immersive experience.
[CLIP - Beyond the Dark]
Then welcome this week's RPG, Christmastide, Ohio! A new Kids on Bikes actual play podcast.
[CLIP - Christmastide, Ohio]
And finally, Low Tide. In our world, this is is a scripted comedy podcast. But in fictional Conch County, Low Tide is a popular news and culture radio program that airs on Conch Public Radio. If you're a fan of NPR, Parks and Recreation, or Welcome To Night Vale, tune in to Low Tide.
[CLIP - Low Tide]
I do hope you're not expecting any more, because there aren't any. Now off you go, and leave me to have another go at sorting out the Librarian.
F/X - Ominous electrical noises.
Oh and don't worry about the twitter feed, we've banned him from it now. It's @AudioDramaDebut.
Right, that's that. You remember where the door is.