All of the words I said out loud for S01E09 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
F/X - Fountain pen writing, and then being capped.
THE LIBRARIAN: Hello there. Come in, and take a seat where I can see you. Would you like to join me in a cup of da hon pao? I hope you've brought your own cup, I'm self-isolating mine. No? Well, I suppose you'll have to just pour it straight from the spout then. Try not to get it everywhere.
Now, I think we need to talk about what you're doing here. Is this trip to come and get something to listen to essential? I know people are slowly going mad locked in their houses with their loved ones, but should you really be visiting the Library of Audio Fiction? I know we've got dramas, books, stories, actual plays and a few other things, but are they really for you?
Me? I've got to come into work. I'm a keyworker. I'm the only one with the key to the biscuit cupboard.
And while we're on the subject of biscuits, are you sure you need to do two shops in a day? I saw you in the corner shop, scrubs in one hand, shopping bag in the other, when I popped out for my paper. And then I saw you again in the evening when I was coming out of the off license, getting that old woman to hide some more shopping for you. I wasn't fooled by you standing miles away from her waving - you're a monster, forcing vulnerable people to store your spare toilet roll.
You don't see me interacting with people when I'm walking the enormous library grounds to check they're empty. Well of course they're closed. I've got the key to those as well. Yes, I've been having a delightful time listening to audio shows on my boombox. I occasionally even take a picnic. Tell you what, perhaps you'd be interested in some of those shows. They're all very cheerful. Perfect for miserable people.
There's this one, a love story told through voicemails. Or this, about someone going on a road-trip throughout the stars. Or perhaps this, about the trials and tribulations of a pair of fruit bats living in a zoo.
New shows, eh? I suppose you're hoping that everyone stuck at home has nothing better to do than make more things for you to listen to. Well luckily, you're right. It's been a bumper month for new shows, and I've got four new trailers to let you listen to.
How did they get here? Worried about contamination, are you? Well don't be, we've been carefully working out a decontamination scheme for the new shows that turn up. We did try to use a heating method, but that had some unfortunate side effects - don't go looking for the East Wing, by the way, we've not rebuilt it yet.
After that, we resorted to chemical treatment. An anti-viral solution is used first, and then it's removed with a neutralising solvent. The only downside is you need to ensure all of the solvent has been removed, and that's best done with a taste test. I've been licking tapes all week. Anyway, take these off me and put them in the player, would you?
Now, first up, it's The Call of the Void, a science-fiction/mystery audio drama exploring a supernatural presence in the swamps of New Orleans.
[CLIP - The Call of the Void]
Then we've got Magic of the Mind, a podcast that communicates science through fantasy. It explores the power of the human mind through a gripping fictional narrative and intellectual discussions with female scientists.
[CLIP - Magic of the Mind]
Then this week's RPG is Bulldogs & Dragons. You've been accepted into the Milestone Academy, Lucky you! You will be learning from the best heroes here at the Academy, located of course at the famous "Una Var City". We have the lowest death rates of any other academy and the best of the best faculty there is.
[CLIP - Bulldogs & Dragons: Milestone Academy]
And finally a 1940’s style radio show with absurd stereotypes, dubious accents and much overacting! Hectic Justice follows Hester Monroe, single female lawyer and a cast of sexy tropes as they conquer exposition, inappropriately aroused narrators and unbuttoned corrupt judges. How will they maintain their perky jugglets and leggy dignity in the next episode of HECTIC JUSTICE?!
[CLIP - Hectic Justice]
And that's that. Hope you enjoyed those, because you're not allowed outside to get more for another week.
And if you somehow become aware of shows we don't have yet, presumably by post, feel free to tell our team. They're all working from home, the lazy devils, so you need to get on the twitter. They're working under the pseudonym @AudioDramaDebut I believe.