Or, Jurassic Park: The Lost World 2.
Jurassic World fell apart rather impressively at the end of the last film, leaving Isla Nublar under T-rex rule, but with the slight problem that the volcano underneath it is starting to erupt. Luckily, Lockwood, Hammond's business partner and oldest friend wants to step in and help Claire Dearing (Bryce Howard), who is currently the head of the Dinosaur Protection Group.
She is opposed by Jeff Goldblum, who turns up in the first and last minute of the film to be vaguely philosophical, do a title drop, and earn a couple of million pounds. Luckily, she's helped along by Chris Pratt, who once again is here for a couple of one-liners and to be a friend to a raptor. Also to have a bit of will they/won't they action.
The master plan is to get a few dinos off Isla Nublar, and get them to another island that Hammond just happened to have lying around, in order to create a final sanctuary, free of interference where they can be left in peace. To brutally murder each other.
Which gives us the first third of the film, with Pratt and Howard, with the help of two plucky sidekicks, corralling a collection of different species, and ending with an exciting run away as the volcano erupts. Honestly, the ending of that island, with a big chase scene and some really sad lizards would have done quite well as the end of the film. Big smashy effects, bit of near-death and derring-do, and a dramatic rescue. Would have tidied it up nicely.
Unfortunately, this film isn't 'Jurassic World: The Floor Is Lava.'
Though it did have a mind-bogglingly stupid scene where Pratt must carefully roll away from some fire while under the effects of tranquilisers.
Instead we discover, in a completely unexpected twist, that the band of vicous armed mercenaries led by Ted Levine doing a crap impression of Postlethwaite, might have an ulterior motive.
And so begins the second act. See my alternative title for what's going on here.
That is the major problem with this film. It reuses absolutely shedloads of cool bits from Park 1 and 2, and has a finale that steals a lot from Jurassic World, and doesn't do any of it particularly well.
I'm not going to spoil all the moments in this (see below for that), but if you've seen the previous, you are going to recognise a lot. And not in the "that's a neat callback" way, but more the "oh no you didn't" manner. It's best summed up by Howard, finding herself face to face with Rexy once again with "you gotta be kidding me".
The villains are ineptly evil, with a suspiciously familiar plan, and too often are motivated by stupidity. The small child is mostly annoying (we've seen her type before), and the most likable character in the film are the Velociraptor babies. Honestly, I would have happily watched half an hour of just that. Might have been a bit more interesting. Fair play, Daniella Pineda was nicely effective, reminding me a lot of Allison Sciaglotti in Warehouse 13, but I felt a bit sorry for Justice Smith, who was basically a plot device in human form.
The final indignity though is how many references to Donald Trump are crowbarred in. We get it, America, he's a dick. For the love of god, I don't need dinosaurs telling me he's not a nice man.
I can't remotely recommend you go and watch the film.